Best 2 balls I hit today . . . . when I stepped on the rake in the sand trap. Ouuuuch!
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Story by David Feherty’s: It was back in the 70s and a very prominent golfer of the time was playing at Augusta for his first Masters. Back then the players could not bring their own caddies but had to use one of the locals.
This particular golfer told the caddy master he wanted a big fellow who could handle his bag, but who also would keep quiet, no advice needed.
He was assigned Floyd who said “Hello Mr. ………..”. The golfer said “Hello.” and “That’s the last I want to hear.”
Everything went well until the 10th hole when the golfer pushed his drive into the right trees on the par 4. After surveying the scene he said out loud, “I’m going to hit a low fade out through that opening to carry and land mid green and roll over the crest down near the hole.”
Surprisingly he pulled it off exactly and turned to his caddy and said, “How’s that?”
The caddy spoke for the first time and said, “That wasn’t your ball.”
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You want to LAUGH? This has absolutely nothing to do about golf but it has everything to do with explaining the Male Psyche.
Dave Feherty Quotes (Updated November 19, 2013, )
CBS GOLF ANNOUNCER
Feherty is a CBS and Golf Channel announcer who finds very unique, colorful and uninhibited ways of explaining or describing whatever is on his mind … (probably always on time delay these days).
He said one day, “It would be easier to pick a broken nose, than a winner in that group.”
“Fortunately, Rory is 22 years old so his right wrist should be the strongest muscle in his body.”
“That ball is so far left, Lassie couldn’t find it if it was wrapped in bacon.”
“I am sorry Nick Faldo couldn’t be here this week. He is attending the birth of his next wife.”
Jim Furyk’s swing “looks like an octopus falling out of a tree.”
Describing VJ Singh’s prodigious practice regime – “VJ hits more balls than Elton John’s chin.”
(Thought I was going to hurt myself laughing at this one.)
“That’s a great shot with that swing.”
“It’s OK – the bunker stopped it.”
At Augusta 2011 – “It’s just a glorious day. The only way to ruin a day like this would be to play golf on it.”
“That was a great shot – if they’d have put the pin there today.”
“Watching Phil Mickelson play golf is like watching a drunk chasing a balloon near the edge of a cliff.”
“That green appears smaller than a Pygmie’s nipple”.
Forward this to any golfers with a sense of humor.
GOLF TRUISMS
Contributed by another struggling golfer in Fort Myers Beach Florida
A two-foot putt counts the same as a two-foot drive.
Never wash your ball on the tee of a water hole.
There is no such thing as a friendly wager.
The stages of golf are Sudden Collapse; Radical Change; Complete Frustration; Slow Improvement; Brief Mastery, and Sudden Collapse.
The only sure way to get a par is to leave a four-foot birdie putt two inches short of the hole.
Don’t play with anyone who would question a 7.
It’s as easy to lower your handicap as it is to reduce your hat size.
If you really want to be better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
If your driver is hot, your putter will be ice cold; if you can hit your irons, you will top your woods; if you are keeping your right elbow tucked in, your head will come up.
Progress in golf consists of two steps forward and ten miles backward.
One good shank deserves another.
It takes 17 holes to really get warmed up.
No golfer ever swung too slowly.
No golfer ever played too fast.
One birdie is a hot streak.
No matter how badly you are playing, it’s always possible to play worse.
Whatever you think you’re doing wrong is the one thing you’re doing right.
Any change works for three holes.
The odds of hitting a duffed shot increase by the square of the number of people watching.
Never teach golf to your wife.
Never play your son for money.
Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
It’s surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10.
The statute of limitations on forgotten strokes is two holes.
Bets lengthen putts and shorten drives.
Confidence evaporates in the presence of fairway water.
It takes considerable pressure to make a penalty stroke adhere to a scorecard.
It’s not a gimme if you’re still away.
The more your opponent quotes the rules, the greater the certainty that he cheats.
Always limp with the same leg for the whole round.
The rake is always in the other trap.
The wind is in your face on 16 of the 18 holes.
Nothing straightens out a nasty slice quicker than a sharp dogleg to the right.
The rough will be mowed tomorrow.
The ball always lands where the pin was yesterday.
It always takes at least five holes to notice that a club is missing.
The nearest sprinkler head will be blank.
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.
Out of bounds is always on the right, for right-handed golfers.
The practice green is either half as fast or twice as fast as all the other greens.
No one with funny head covers ever broke par (except for Tiger Woods).
The lowest numbered iron in your bag will always be impossible to hit.
Your straightest iron shot of the day will be exactly one club short.
No matter how far its shaft extends, a ball retriever is always a foot too short to reach the ball.
If you seem to be hitting your shots straight on the driving range, it’s probably because you’re not aiming at anything.
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
The only thing you can learn from golf books is that you can’t learn anything from golf books, but you have to read an awful lot of golf books to learn it.
AND HERE IS ANOTHER BATCH:
When I die, bury me on the golf course, so my husband will visit.
Author Unknown
I don’t say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes
they’d come up sliced.
Author Unknown
I’ve spent most of my life golfing. The rest I’ve just wasted.
Author Unknown
They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken.
Raymond Floyd
The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would
put a flag stick on top.
Pete Dye (His golf courses reflect this belief!!!)
Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose
wives think they are out having fun.
Jim Bishop
It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball.
I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.
Hank Aaron
Golf is a game in which you yell “fore,” shoot six, and write down five.
Paul Harvey
Give me golf clubs, fresh air & a beautiful partner, and you can keep
the clubs and the fresh air.
Jack Benny
Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?
Al Boliska
The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.
Billy Graham
Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are
inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf swing.
Ben Hogan
Go play golf. Go to the golf course. Hit the ball. Find the ball. Repeat
until the ball is in the hole. Have fun. The end.
Chuck Hogan
If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong
golf ball.
Jack Lemmon
It’s good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are
still rolling.
Mark Twain
Don’t play too much golf.. Two rounds a day are plenty.
Harry Vardon
Golf is a game in which one endeavours to control a ball with
implements ill adapted for the purpose.
Woodrow Wilson
A golfer’s diet: live on greens as much as possible.
Author Unknown
Gone golfin’ … be back about dark thirty.
Author Unknown
Born to golf. Forced to work.
Author Unknown
My body is here, but my mind has already teed off .
Author Unknown
Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being
good at them.
Jimmy DeMaret
May thy ball lie in green pastures …. and not in still waters.
Author Unknown
If I hit it right, it’s a slice. If I hit it left, it’s a hook. If I hit it straight,
it’s a miracle.
Author Unknown
The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can’t
improve your lie.
George Deukmejian
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music
comes out of bagpipes.
GOLF QUOTES
I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone’s golf game: it’s called an eraser. – Arnold Palmer
The other day I broke 70. That’s a lot of clubs. – Henry Youngman
I’m about five inches from being an outstanding golfer. That’s the distance my left ear is from my right. – Ben Crenshaw
Golf is like a love affair. If you don’t take it seriously, it’s no fun; if you do take it seriously, it breaks your heart. – Arthur Daley
Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps. – Tiger Woods
Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf, and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf. – Jack Benny
The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course. – Billy Graham
His drive is unbelievable. I don’t go that far on my holidays. – Ian Baker-Finch re John Daly
Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf swing. – Ben Hogan
The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has. – Will Rogers
It’s good sportsmanship not to pick up lost balls while they are still rolling. – Mark Twain
Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. – Jimmy DeMaret
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing. – Phyllis Diller
What other people may find in poetry or art museums, I find in the flight of a good drive. – Arnold Palmer
If you’re caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron. – Lee Trevino
I’m hitting the woods just great, but I’m having a terrible time getting out of them. – Harry Toscano
The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off. I shot the happiest 83 of my life. – Chi Chi Rodriguez
I’ll shoot my age if I have to live to be 105. – Bob Hope
Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five. – John Updike
Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun. – Jim Bishop
It is more satisfying to be a bad player at golf. The worse you play, the better you remember the occasional good shot. – Nubar Gulbenkian
Through years of experience I have found that air offers less resistance than dirt. – Jack Nicklaus (explaining why he tees his ball high)
Golf is a game in which you yell “fore,” shoot six, and write down five. – Paul Harvey
The best wood in most amateurs bag is the pencil. – Anonymous
GOLF AND WHAT IT ALL MEANS
Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.
Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins, on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.
Golf is harder than baseball. In Golf, you have to play your foul balls.
If you find you do not mind playing Golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here’s a valuable tip …your life is in trouble.
Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.
A ‘gimme’ can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers …neither of whom can putt very well.
An interesting thing about Golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.
Golf’s a hard game to figure. One day you’ll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.
If your best shots are the practice swing and the ‘gimme putt’, you might wish to reconsider this game.
Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.
Golf is like marriage, If you take yourself too seriously it won’t work, and both are expensive.
The best wood in most amateurs’ bags is the pencil.
David Letterman’s Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex…
#10… A below par performance is considered damn good.
#09… You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#08… It’s much easier to find the sweet spot.
#07… Foursomes are encouraged.
#06… You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#05… Three times a day is possible.
#04… Your partner doesn’t hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#03… If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.
#02… You don’t have to cuddle with your partner when you’re finished.
And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex…..
#01… When your equipment gets old you can replace it!
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A Golfer’s Love Story
An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand and said, “Martha, we will be married 50 years and there’s something I have to know. In all of these years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”
Martha replied, “Well Henry, to be honest with you. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful on three occasions during these years, but always for a good reason.
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons?’
Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you the loan would be extended?”
Henry recalled the visit to the banker. “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”
Martha asked, “Do you remember when you were sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.”
“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”
“All right,” Martha said. “So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 53 more votes?”
